Dear Milly

My sweet Milly bug,

I have been wanting to write your first letter for a couple of months now.  I thought about doing a weekly/monthly post; however, I decided to start with your first nine weeks.

Our experience with you has been nothing short of an amazing and hectic roller coaster.  

The first few days at the hospital were pretty surreal.  You were born via c-section (I will save this story for another post), so we ended up staying in the hospital for a few days. 

You weighed 7lbs11ounces, and measured 21 inches.  You were born with a full head of hair, which was a funny surprise because I have the thinnest hair!  You had the sweetest face, and we immediately fell in love with you.  You also had jaundice,  but it only lasted 24 hours. 

After a few days, we were ready to take you home. 

Let me preface this by saying that your Daddy and I may have been a little more naive than we realized, and our first night home proved that to be shockingly true.

We fed you, changed you, swaddled you, and put you down in the newborn napper that came with your pack n play.  We sat on our bed just staring at you, when you started crying...SCREAMING.

What?!  Ok, babies cry.  Double check diaper, double check swaddle, feed again.  Still screaming.

You hated the newborn napper.  So we tried the pack n play, the swing, nothing worked. 

You slept on our bed, laying flat, with me staring all night to make sure you were still breathing.

This lasted for 3 nights until I sent Daddy to get the Rock N Play at the recommendation of many moms.

You finally had a place to sleep - yay!  However, you still cried a lot, and we had a hard time getting you settled.  I quickly realized I was not going to be able to keep nursing you, so we decided to switch to formula.  The switch was tough on your belly, and you cried more and more each day.

I did not sleep for a week, did not get to rest and recover from the c-section, did not take my pain medication so that I could be fully aware with you, and cried more that first week than I had my entire life.

Long story short - I was a HOT mess.  I realized quickly how unprepared I was to be your mom, how little I actually knew about babies, and how terrified I was of you.  You challenged me in ways I had never experienced, and at the time, I had no idea how to be your mom.

We also found out that you had reflux, which was one of the main reasons you could not settle after your feedings.  We switched formulas again, and your pediatrician decided to give you some heartburn medicine.  It took a couple of weeks, one more medicine and formula change, to get you comfortable, and happy.  Seven weeks to be exact.

During those seven weeks, I experienced the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows.  I wondered if I was actually ready to be a mom, and if I was ever going to be able to make you happy.  I knew you liked to sleep, so I did my best to establish some sort of routine to get you to nap consistently, and sleep at night between your feedings.  You did great!

I think we finally started seeing the light when you turned nine weeks, and decided to drop one of your night feedings, and slept between six and seven hours.  It was pretty magical. 

Milly, those first nine weeks seem like a blur now, but I can promise you that I learned more about myself, about your Dad, and about our marriage, than I ever thought I would. 

Of course, I had times when I wished I had an "easier" baby.  When I wondered if we were ever going to be able to take you out without worrying about you crying, and I was ever going to be a good mom to you.  But never did I question my love for you. 

One evening before Daddy came home from work, we were playing on your activity mat, and you smiled.  Just like that, the sleepless nights, the doubts, the worries, and all my frustrations went away, because you had smiled at me...ME. 

You are, and will always be a part of me.  What we shared during those amazing nine months is something that I can't even put into words.  I loved being pregnant, and I love being your Mommy more than anything in this world.

You are my little miracle, and I love you to the moon, and back.


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